


€1

by pupyr0arz



Category: Alternate Reality Game - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Original Work, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Animal Abuse, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Corpses, Death, Delusions, Diary/Journal, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Existentialism, Gen, Gore, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hallucinations, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Infant Death, Memory Loss, Multiplicity/Plurality, Nonfiction, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychosis, Sexual Abuse, Strangulation, Suicidal Thoughts, Transphobia, Trauma, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-22 16:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30041262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupyr0arz/pseuds/pupyr0arz
Summary: Wanna see how much of a fucking wreck we are?-did/osdd system, tws are in chpt1
Kudos: 5





	1. contents/tws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Trigger warnings ahead!  
> trigger list of trigger warnings per chapter  
> if tws offend you: grow tf up bitch  
> (Also the dates are the date posted, not when it was written)

Entry #1= "Autopsy" by Precontent (he/it/they)  
Summary:  
Pre goes on a ramble touching on several topics, including their growing psychotic symptoms, relationship with canon, trauma from this body, and some existensial thoughts.  
tws: existensialism,implied infant harm/death, mentions of corpses, delusions, hallucinations, memory loss, restraints.

Entry #2= "Frustrations" by Ranboo (he/they)  
Summary:  
Ranboo talks about his frustrations with his new body, writes a few memories, and briefly talks about mixed feelings about his canonmates.  
tws: dysphoria, brief mention of animal abuse, memory loss, hearing voices, dissociation 

Entry #3 = "Feeling Purple" by Ranboo (he/they)  
Summary:  
A short entry. Ranboo doesnt feel very good right now, elaborates on canonmates and misses his body.  
tws:fear of conflict (?), depression  
Entry #4 = "Invincible" by Peter (he/it)  
Summary:  
Peter discusses some elements of his canon and trauma, and self harm/suicidal thoughts  
tw: blood, implied death, implied sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts, guns, hallucinations/hearing voices, trauma, abandonment issues, death

Entry #4 = "On Toast" by Jams (he/they)  
Summary:  
Short and not so sweet. Jams chats about intersystem issues, time loss, and wanting a body of his own  
tws: memory loss, dysphoria, intersystem fighting, sleep deprivation

Entry #5 (probably? comin soon, whenever im not to tired to finish journaling)= "Ache" by ??? Summary: An alter speaks about the physical body and issues, left over emotional pain from things it doesnt quite remember, and craving abuse tws:


	2. 3/14/2021: "Autopsy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was ranboo's idea but i got to it first. haha lame.  
> rambling about me, my current feelings, and my past
> 
> im a fictive from the online horror series from the youtube channel "PostContent" (pronounced like the syn to "fine") but specifically the tied up 'corpse' in the body bag.

Today is March 14, 2021  
And I want to talk about myself a little bit. And I was suggested to make a diary thing. And I’m pretty used to posting stuff like this so...

I am...was..spending a lot of time thinking about my relationship to my...other?  
I was..both a metaphor and another person and a part.  
I know I am both the part of Post that wanted to face his issues and an outside perspective with my own feelings. Emotions. Ish  
I..I spent a lot of time Downstairs or in the other rooms, well Post wasn’t there.

Was I ‘real’? What is ‘real’? Are we...I...us… false? If we are...what isn’t? Is anything truly not false?

Are we a we? I am now part of a we I know, but before..now...then.

I was physical, but not. From...his mind, the houses influence? That damned faceless woman not-friend-friend?

Was I manufactured, created or..spawned?  
Was the house a dream too? I think it was. It...also wasn’t though. It’s chains on us/me/we? were real but also...it itself.

What was it all for? Why the beings?

Why did he constantly pretend everything was fine?

No, no *I* will not lie to myself. He pretended because he didn’t know what to do if everything was not fine. If he could hide under the covers, pretend, maybe he wouldn’t have to deal with it.

No, I should be nicer. It’s hard though. I still feel rope around my neck. The dark. The Box. So desperate to hide from me.

And I only wanted what was best. He did too, though.

The Box was...both terror and delight. A home, a place to face everything but also somewhere to cower from the dark. Why?

I have been...slipping lately. I spend a lot of time in this body. It feels almost as corpselike as my own…The few sensations are odd. 

\------------------

Lately, I find myself talking out loud when I don’t want to, my thoughts, ours, leak into our speech. 

Sometimes I/we cannot tell the difference between fantasy and the ‘real’ world. I’m so tired. My dreams blend with the life I live now. Am I back at the house, still?

I’m scared that I might still be there, just delusional. I’m scared to go to sleep. I feel lonely, sick, and tired. I don’t know what to do.

The world doesn’t make sense, and now I don’t. But then...I fit in, don’t I?

I’m so forgetful lately. Memories slip through my fingers like water. Or blood. Both?  
I want to talk but I find the feelings sliding away when I get the moment to. Who was I? Who am I?

What is am? What is ‘I’?  
Am I.. I-less or Un-I?

Less. The lack of.

Un. The opposite of, not.

Am I not I, or am I the lack of I?

Am I Post? They call me Pre. Who is Pre?

Do I need Post? He needs me. 

I dont know. I just...don’t know.

My neck hurts. 

—————————————————————-  
I feel like I should cut this up.  
I have...spouts of restlessness. I want to *movegodo* but I cannot find anything and it is almost painful. Why? Why can I not do what I want to? 

It reminds me of my chains. Why not…? 

I don’t understand. I waste so much time. I am trapped here, in this house, as much as the other. But freedom is close.

Ugh. 

Why would he trust the woman? Was he/I/we that desperate for a friend?

And to throw me away like that the minute he got a chance.  
Sure he tried to accept me more, but *still*.  
Falling hurt a bit. The Box was dark. 

I cannot understand some of what is wrong with me. My head aches all the time. 

So tired. Hurts. Like clawing my head open. Who is what? What is who?

I cannot understand.

I will understand.  
——————

I cannot see what I see. Why do I seen the unseen?  
What whispers from the shadows, who is that figure standing there?

Why am I so scared of the silhouette of a fucking  
*fetus*?  
Why is it that birth scares me? The helplessness? The physical repulsion? Is this even my own feelings, or one of the others leaking through and staining me? 

If so...what happened? Do I want to remember? I don’t think so...but I must. 

Iam not Post, not entirely I think. I cannot become him.

It hurts.  
—————  
At least I try

But...so does/did he. Barely, but he did, in his own way.Am I a hypocrite? Am I wrong here?

I just want to stop hiding. I want to understand.

It hurts though. I think I understand Post more.  
Maybe I should talk about him.

His name isnt Post of course. I won’t share it here though. We/he were..unemployed. Struggling.

A easy solution sounded best.

I/he/we just...couldn’t make people understand. The grey world. The beastly thoughts. The confusion and conflict and slimy gross feelings.

We/I/he didn’t want to understand either, I guess. It was simpler to try and fail to meet others expectations. Even in that house.

It was supposed to be a nice getaway, get some cash, be in some study whatever. A lab rat. 

Why did we go in? And why couldn’t we just….leave?

The familiar unknown was better than the unfamiliar I guess.

And it wouldn’t matter anyways. The house was our/his/my mind. It would follow us wherever we went. What does it all mean? I can’t understand it.

Ugh. I feel…

Bad.  
-  
PreContent  
March 13, 2021  
“Autopsy”


	3. 3/14/2021:"Frustrations"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its...not a nice feeling, isnt it?  
> hello, its ranboo. late to his own project, funny huh?

Yknow, youd *really* think that getting a new body would fix some of the old ones issues. Nope.

Now I *still* cant remember the last five damn minutes without prompting, and now I have to deal with voices again. And I have to share.

Its just....urgh. Frustrating, new, and a thousand other words. And...I kinda...miss home. Just a little bit. At least Techno is here too, I hope he doesnt mind me mentioning him. 

Well, I should probably write some things down first.

Important things:

-some of the voices are real and can use the body too. There is some way to tell who is who  
-some of the others are nice, others are very much not.  
Friends (REMEMBER THESE!!):  
Technoblade  
Jams  
Missie 

???:  
PreConent  
Kami  
Whom

Not-Friends:  
Kien  
Lime

-here I am in a video series. Avoid these videos.  
-Write things down here. No one else (aside from the others) can and that is good. 

God I already forgot like hald of the list I wanted. I think...maybe my memory is even worse? Oh god, is it? I mean it probably wasnt important, but still!

Ugh. 

\-----  
Ive been feeding a stray cat for a while. They come in the afternoons. Ive missed some days because of school but it still loves me. The neighbours kitten likes me too, but they treat it so horribly. Poor baby.

I miss my own pets a lot. I guess this is the next best thing though, isnt it?

\------  
I think....the thought of my er 'canonmates', is that what they are called? Being here scares me a bit. I know I should be grateful and hope and miss them, and I am genuinely glad Techno is here and all but...

I just...

Everything was....not like I think I would like. Every relationship was scarred by *sides* and stupid nations, stupid goverments, stupid turf and dumb replaceable items. No one understood and everyone got hurt.

Why cant they listen? Why cant I care about what really matters, people?  
And I...I guess I cant even be sure on that since I dont know who my friends even are.

They turn on each other so fast...Im just tired of it, you know? And having to face them again, after what happened...Wilbur..Tommy...Puffy...everyone?  
I dont know I have it in me, not after having to get used to all this.  
\-----

I dont even *like* this body. Its not tall enough, its soft in the wrong places and hard in the wrong places too. The face, eyes, mouth, everything is weird and wrong. Id scare myself in the mirror if I had any.

I keep misjudging my reach, my strenght, my everything. I even have to wear glasses!  
I feel weird, off, wrong. Like Im not supposed to be here....  
Off-kilter. Unbalanced.

Its a staticy gross drippy feeling. Encasing my arms and legs, sticking like slime...

My head *aches*. Id take the Egg over this. At least I would have my own body, in a way.  
Isnt that such a horrble thing to take? Your lifeline, your way of enteracting, of experincing the world. Your..home.

It sucks man.  
-  
Ranboo  
March 14,2021  
"Frustrations"


	4. 3/15/2021:"Feeling Purple"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo elaborates some more.

I just want things to be simple, is that too much for me to ask? After the SMP, can I just relax, without fearing of upsetting someone or ruining a friendship or *something*?  
I just want to relax. Stop feeling watched all the time. I dont have so many eyes on me anymore and I dont know if I miss them or not.

Its hard to assign meaning without them but thats...unhealthy, isnt it? Its better this way.  
But why doesnt it *feel* better? Why am I just miserable?

\--------  
I miss speaking Enderish. It was a big comfort to me...but I cant make those sounds anymore...  
\--------  
I *do* miss everyone but...god if we couldnt share a entire server, how could we handle a single body?

I want to see people but...I...Im scared of the fighting. The sides. Now things are even more complicated. What would a war do to us when we share a body, a brain, a mind?  
How would we be hurt? Over what stupid things that dont matter? How would I be hurt? 

I dont...

I promise I miss them. Im just scared of them more.

-  
Ranboo  
March 15, 2021  
"Feeling Purple"


	5. 3/15/2021-"Invincible"

I wish I was hurting again. You know, the worst part about my canon? The lack of pain when I got my powers. The healing,.the defences.

God, I couldnt even kill *myself* after a while. Sure I grinded, for a good cause I told myself, but those fucking ""survivial instincts" that kept me from killing myself would only show up around the day.

Do you think I slept well?? That I didnt lie awake, pondering death with every fucking moment? Paralyzed by my cowardice, the only thing standing between me and a fucking gun me and being fucking free finally of those hands touching me and her fucking face looking at me telling me i failed i fucked up i did this to her

of the fact that everyone fucking leaves everyone dies and sleeps and drifts away into that good night that peaceful black and leaves me here to fucking scared to DO anything even to chase even a bit of that peace through a bottle or a fucking smoke

blood on my hands and i fucking wish it was mine but it cant be now and wasnt then because id fucking bring goddamned kids with me good pure nice children who dont deserve to be like me wrong twisted and stained black and disgusting by a world that doesnt give a shit unless you are useful 

god i wanted it so bad. I want it so fucking bad  
Now i dont even have anything of my own to live for 

Before i at least at herosim...i guess  
Now its just homework school a body that isnt mine static and whispering voices

thank god we dont have any mirrors  
-  
Peter   
March 13, 2021  
"Invincible"


	6. 3/16/2021: "On Toast"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jams finally shows up

today someone spent like three hours arguing with people online instead of our homework and its just...so stressing! its really hard not to get upset, especially when they are so unapologetic about it!! i know i should be working to bring us together but its really hard sometimes...

ranboo and pre have nightmares so pre tries to avoid it by avoiding sleep so we're always tired and falling alseep in class. its miserable! and when i come to to work unfinished or weird projects or something in the place of another important thing i just wanma scream!! i keep finding weird stuff from things i dont know and its weird and scary and i really dont like it at all. i just wanna be able to remember a full day, please!

and oh dont get me started on infighting, its so frustrating! like can you all please shut up i have work to do, and im the only one who does anything around here!  
i know i clash a lot with people for the front, but thats because they all want it for stupid stuff, i have actual reasons to front! but no one listens anyways!

i cant even make my own decisons! like, if i want to go on t i should be able to, im the one who has to live in this meatsack, you just hang around and hide my things!!!!

urrghhh!!! i just want my own body.  
-  
Jams  
March 16,2021  
"On Toast"


	7. 3/20/2021:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To have something it in. Damn glitchy phone, wont let us delete a chapter

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